simplifying....

such an easy word to understand, but almost impossible to follow... monks in temples are taught to work towards inner peace, reaching a zen-like state of mind so things would not matter. materials and attachments will not complicate these monks' lives. however, they spend a lifetime of constant meditation to keep that goal in reach, often at times still not perfecting it.

so if these monks have such a hard time keeping things simple, how can we "simplify" our own lives? when do we find the time to just sit and clear our minds? not to think of worries, responsibilities, pleasures, pain, hardship, envy, want... all these human emotions that are a part of what we'd call our "personality" is suppose to be meaningless if we were to simplify our lives in the same way that the monks do. I know for damn sure i cant do it... has anyone else tried?? so i shall ask again.... how do we simplify our own lives?

things have been good and bad lately, but then again, that's always the case. you can never see the good if there were nothing bad. but why is it that the focus is always leaning towards the bad instead of what's good? is it because the society now has created an image of what would be considered a "good life"? money? cars? house? clothes? fame? well shit.... i don't have many of those things.... i have a car, but it doesn't run. i have money, but it's not for me. i have a house to live in, but it's not mine. i have clothes (and i guess this is the only thing that I'm not really complaining about). and fame? hmm..... iono if I'd call it fame, more like infamous.... for the past months since an eye-opener event, I've been doing what i can to "simplify" my life... i gotta say, it's worked out ok in some aspects of my life. i have people who i care about, and people who do care about me. i have a family and they still love me which is lucky. i still have my arms, legs, no retardation of anything (that i know of). and slowly but surely, I'm digging myself out of this rut I'm in. but why cant i help but be envious? why do i still feel sad every so often? jealous of people who's lives should not be used to compare to mine?

*sigh* i have no clue what I'm trying to get at with this entry, nor do i even have an answer for myself.... this dark tunnel seems never ending although i do see the light. i guess you just gotta keep going at it till you reach the light.... but man, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, i wanna call it a day already.... but i guess its like the quote that Jason had at his gym and that's what i shall conclude this entry with:

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall"

-Confucius

dang....

didnt think i'd do it... couldnt believe i went and did it..... still cant believe it's done..... but love the fact that it's finally there!

quarter of the century reflection....

another year goes by, and before anything else is said, i have to say i'm happy to be alive still to see today. many thanks to the ppl who's kept me alive for this long, my mom, my sister, my friends, everyone who's come and gone from my life... Thank you.

every year ppl celebrate their birthdays, and this year i was able to manage to not get fucked up on my birthday again! (awesome btw) coming back from Taiwan, i've been thinking about just simply "perspective". everyone thinks of everything in their own perspective, and i guess if you're reading this, you gotta keep in mind that things i say here are from my perspective and it may be different than yours, so please no one take any of this personal.

so much has happened and changed since my last birthday, and yet some still stayed the same. i'm still over weight, still have the same hair do, still have a lot of the same shoes, clothes, etc... all exterior stuff. but man.......... things are more different than they ever were. i guess it's like the note that i've posted in the past, "ppl come and go in your life, you just have to figure out if they're in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime...". Some may think that this is such an emo thing to say, but just take a second and think of things that's happened through out today, yesterday, this week, this month.... some days may seem less lively, and yet some just seems full of things to keep your mind moving. this year, days where my mind races has been endless. i guess as i'm typing this, i'm just mentally exhausted. it's been good and bad, and i'm more than grateful for all the lessons i've had. i've hurt many, and been hurt by many, and i think i've learned from the mistakes i've made so i hope i continue to better myself as a person.

recently, i've been reading this book called "Confucius from the Heart" and it's been really opening my eyes... i use to think that i knew what "self reflection" was... now i'm not so sure, but i think i have a more clear and right idea of what it should be. and i realized that i've lived my life believing so much of what everyone else thinks is right, but not for myself... i have only started living MY life recently, and it's awesome! learning that i have a family that i have not known for 17 years, knowing that i have friends who do really care, knowing that i can better myself if i pay attention to my mistakes and dont forget about them.... i think all this has been a great thing that i'm fortunate enough to have experienced.

"speak less, do more" is something that Confucius believes in religiously... and i think that's something that's so true in many or most occasions. i hope that with this passing day, i shall too learn from the great sage the simple things that he reminds us to appreciate.

i would list out all the ppl i'd wanna thank, but i think i'll show it instead through the rest of my life. i'm lucky enough to still be here, so imma do what i can to better myself as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a person. thanks for reading this load of babble.

more thoughts....

I heard from somewhere once that some of the best ideas or thoughts surfaces on the human mind when sitting on the toilet bowl taking a dump... today, i thought i'd give it a try...

Lately, things haven't been great... i mean i guess it's better than not having a warm place to sleep, or worrying about how i'm gonna get food in my stomach... but that doesn't mean life is happy and carefree. my buddy donovan tells me that i need to learn to be happy with myself, learn how to love myself, and how to make myself be happy without letting anything outside of me determine IF i'm happy or not. now how does that make sense? i tell him, i'm happy when i play chess, but that's not me, that's chess that's making me happy. so i tell him i'm happy when i get to hang out with friends, but again that's not me, that's the fact that i'm out with friends. so what does it really mean to be happy with yourself? to be ok with yourself?

all this time, i thought that being happy with yourself was just doing what you love, loving things you do, but now... it's not so simple anymore. the way it was explained to me is that there's too much fluxuation in any properties outside of yourself or even in yourself... that's one of the reasons why donovan is Christian because GOD is something that's not ever gonna change, it's always there, it's always the same, it's consistant... man, hearing this makes you wanna give believing in GOD a shot doesnt it? i mean it sure sold me.... i'm actually thinking about giving it a shot lol. anyways... back to the subject. so being happy means you gotta be good with yourself.... fuck me man, i hate myself lol. i hate the way i look, i hate my voice, i hate the way i speak, i hate my personality, i dont think i like anything about myself... and here i am, preaching to other ppl to love themselves more, to care for themselves more.... no wonder no one wants to listen to what i have to say... I wouldnt even listen to my own advice....

bottomline.... i need to get myself out of this slump.... i need to do it fast... cuz i cant even seem to be ok with myself right now.... that's all the thinking that got done on the pooping bowl... anyways... till next entry.... peace out and be safe!

decisions, decisions....

how do you decide what to do when you're faced with a situation? do you take the easiest route? do you take it to the face and just man up? or do you find something in between and hope that you can somehow find a crack and sneak your way through?

everyday we face situations where we have to make a choice... every moment we decide what we choose to do with our next hour, minute, second... what do we want to eat, do we want to eat, do we want something to drink while we eat, do we even wanna snack? those are the simple decisions because we just base that off how we feel...

but what do you do when you're faced with a decision where it's not as simple as just going with how you feel...? how do you weight out your choices? do you go by what feels good? do you go by what feels right? or do you just go by taking the easiest choice...? currently, i'm facing decisions that is killing me... work, life, ppl, they just dont stop throwing things at me... work is gay and puts me in a place where i hate... i'm working everyday, and yet i'm still broke as a joke... and to top it off, it's always sad to see that there's no where up to go from here... Life has decided to give me a sentence that i really dont feel is fair... but what can i do? what can i say? i can only complain but what good does that do? somehow fate has decided that my life will be this way, that my life will end this way, so all i can do is just bare with it...? how freakin fair is that? and just as if that's not enough, people.... the main source of almost all stress, simply because people are things that are out of your own hands... all you can do is control yourself, and pray that it's enough... but man i tell ya, sometimes the way ppl behave, the things they do, and the way it actually effects you is so unreasonable....

i think i know, scratch that... I KNOW what i need to do... but it's something that i'm not sure if i'm strong enough to do so.... i guess this is when ppl believe in god comes in handy because it's strength that you can borrow... so what about those of us who arent fortunate enough to find strength from someone up above? what if it feels like all the support from friends, families, are just not enough...? seriously now... what do you do when you know what to do but just cant do it?

either way... i know i have to make a decision soon... it's just a matter of how strong i can be.... for those of you that are reading... wish me luck and lend me ur strength....

Linkin Park

song that's going through the head at the moment....

(It starts with)One thing,
I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on
but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter.....

really makes you think.......

Day one....

This is my first blog entry..... never really thought of doing anything like this before, but why the hell not right? Thanks to Jason Kwan, I was able to start this due to looking at his blog, so if you're reading this Jason, THANKS!

Another boring day at work... another mindless day spent trying to make that dollar... another spin in the endless cycle of BS.... another day of life.... Since when did life turn so dull? is this really how everything is suppose to be when you get old...? i never imagined my life to be this boring and so full of shit.... I'm at work where i thought i'd be enjoying myself... because this is the profession i chose to follow.... so why am i so miserable?

ppl always talkin, sayin things that they "see" even though it may or may not be true... then they play "telephone" and pass it on to others, as if it were their business to begin with? maybe that's why the "reality tv" shows nowadays works so well... ppl seriously have no lives of their own to the point where they need to butt into other ppl's lives... we're all guilty of it, even myself... but man... if you're gonna say something, make sure you know wtf you're talkin about! don't just take what you "THINK" is true and pass it on as if it were the full on situation straight from the horse's mouth!

all my life before this past couple of years... I've always wanted to be popular, well-known, well-liked, to be a social butterfly.... i remember back in high school... i looked up to the popular/well-known/well-liked kids... hahaha i use to hope that one day, they'd ask me to hang out, that i need and wanna be cool with them... so i remember getting out of high school, i just wanna be different... i wanna be cool. 6 years later, i feel i have achieved a status where I'm not hated on like i use to be in high school, i actually have acquaintance friends now who would say hi back when i say hi to them. in the beginning, it felt good... to finally be liked by the public... to be someone that ppl would acknowledge...

now i wish i can go back to not knowing people... not knowing what is going on, what's cool, what's not, just away from everything... people are so bored that they just cant help themselves but to spread rumors, or to say things that they don't know. either that or people will just start saying things that i previously mentioned of how they think they know, but they don't...

i am not someone who is cool, i am not someone who can be athletic, i am not someone who knows how to holler at girls, i am just me... i was in orchestra since elementary school, i had 1 friend till spring semester of junior year in high school, i was the president of the chess club... and the club consisted of 3 ppl, i had straight A's in high school, i was the president of the dance club, i had nicknames like "fat henry", "obnoxious henry", "annoying henry" etc...

so for those of you who read this... please, don't think you know me if you've never talked to me, don't think you know what I'm thinking if you never asked, don't think after reading this, you know who i am...

only way for you to really know, is to talk to me...

this is as real as it gets....